Through memorizing the lyrics, Shen understood that “being clever does not indicate one has wisdom,” and that “not doing evil does not make one a good person.” (Photo by Pua Poo Toong)
The Narcissus flower (also known as “shui xian” in Chinese) is named after a character in Greek mythology who symbolizes self-centeredness and self-righteousness. Just like her namesake, Shen Shui Xian used to possess these traits.
“Oh…how wrong I was….I had been mistaken for so many decades!” While attending a “Dharma as Water” study session in 2011, Shen had a sudden wake up call. Images of her using harsh words and scolding friends and relatives flooded her mind as she heard the words from the “Water Repentance” text : “I repent my anger, rage and maliciousness, which often cause hurt to others……”.
A Volatile Temper
Petite and often seen with a warm smile, Shen admits that she used to be brusque and stubborn, and her quick tongue spared no one. Before learning about the Dharma, she felt that as long as she had done no evil, she could be considered a good person. Feeling clever, she was quick to point out the mistakes of others and lectured everyone regardless of their seniority. For example, if the windows polished by Shen was dirtied by fingerprints, she would get furious and begin scolding, not even sparing her mother from her lectures.
Her younger brother Shen Long Fa recalls the past, commenting : “My sister had a rotten temper! She had the loudest voice and always had to have the last word about everything at home. Mom had to remain silent as she could not get a word in.”
The Shen family of ten children grew up poor. Shen is the fourth child and had helped out at her mother’s vegetable stall in the market since her adolescent years. Later, Shen partnered her younger sister in setting up a small food stall. For a few decades, she led a busy life, waking up at 4am every morning to prepare for the day’s business and skipping meals whenever business was good. Shen’s temper became even more volatile under the stress of the daily grind; demanding customers were treated brusquely, and friends and relatives were treated no better.
Shen’s sister had a temper as bad as hers. Whenever they quarreled, neither would be willing to give way, and they could even ignore each other for a few months after a disagreement. At that time, Shen did not feel that there was anything wrong with her attitude.
“I have always been outspoken. If you are bad to me, I will retaliate. If I am unhappy, I will tell you outright! It did not cross my mind that I could hurt other people.”
Looking Inward for Flaws
Youngest sibling Long Fa was the first in the family to know about Tzu Chi. To support her brother, Shen took part in recycling activities but did not think about joining Tzu Chi. It was not until 2004 when she took part in the first monthly sharing session, and came into contact with the “Lotus Sutra”, that she felt calm and at peace. From then on, with the exception of times when she had important engagements to attend to, she would attend every sharing session, pray piously, and listen to the teachings of Master Cheng Yen.
In 2011, Tzu Chi started the “Dharma as Water” study sessions. Through the easily understood sessions, coupled with the sharing of volunteers’ own experiences, Shen, who only had basic education, benefitted greatly. When Shen recited the verses in the sutra adaptation, each verse was like a bright mirror that enabled her to reflect on her own flaws.
“I feel very sorry for the way I treated my mother in the past…… I was accumulating negative karma!” Pointing to herself, she said, “I don’t have much education. I have read the “Water Repentance” text before, but I don’t remember much of what I’ve read. The explanations and the volunteers’ sharing during the study sessions helped a lot in my understanding of cause and effect!”
After attending the study session, Shen suddenly realized that her previous stubborn and aggressive behavior was not “clever” in the least. It was actually an act of harming others, creating bad karma and negative affinities between her and them. Shen immediately felt penitent towards her mother. Reflecting carefully on the past, Shen felt that the strained relationship she had with her younger sister is karmic retribution for using harsh language towards her mother. To resolve the situation, she started speaking more gently and being less calculative towards her sister, showing much willingness to be more understanding and accepting of others.
Brother Long Fa is the best witness of the change in Shen, commenting, “Compared to the past, she is less agressive now and more willing to accept the views of others!”
Giving Up a Livelihood to Protect Lives
Convinced about the truth of karmic retribution, Shen decided to overcome her desire to consume meat and started to follow a vegetarian diet. Though vegetarian food was hard to come by at her work place, her determination did not waver even if it meant that she had to eat white bread for lunch every day. “It is not impossible, just a matter of how determined we are. Persistence is most important!”
Shen also realized that she by operating a fish ball noodle stall, she is also accumulating the negative karma of killing. “Previously, I did not know that there are so many lives in fish roe, but I know now.” When customers visit, she would say that the fish roe was sold out on purpose, but her sister would refute her words in displeasure, saying : “yes! Yes! We still have them!”
Over time, Shen began thinking about ending the business and she bugged her sister about it. However, against her wishes, the business got better and her sister did not wish to lose the stable income. For a long while, Shen was unable to extricate herself from her job, and could only pray to Buddha with all her heart. In 2012, her sister finally relented. “April shall be our last business month!” Overcome with joy and great relief, Shen thanked her sister repeatedly.
After closing down the stall, Shen felt more at ease. She had to take on odd jobs such as the packing of biscuits, and though work was difficult to come by, with income and job benefits significantly lesser than before, she never once thought of going back to her previous line of work.
Shen’s regret was not knowing the Dharma earlier and only understood that vegetarianism is compassion after so long. After becoming a commissioner at the end of 2012, she treasured this belated afinity to the Dharma and gave herself whole heartedly, taking on organizer roles, eliminating bad habits and in the process, gained immense happiness.
If she had not understood the “Dharma as Water” teachings, the Shen of today may not have been as approachable. Her desire to change came straight from the heart, and this was witnessed by her family and relatives.
Grateful to connect with the Dharma and grateful for those who inspired her towards wisdom, Shen vowed to “stay on the Bodhisattva path every lifetime,” engaging in the Tzu Chi missions wholeheartedly.
Shen (first from left), together with sister Shen Chun Hua (middle), promoted Tzu Chi’s 47th Anniversary blessing ceremony to the general public during the recycling activity in April 2013. (Photo by Sim Lit Wee)
Shen shared how she had experienced the joy of Dharma during a study session. She had eliminated her bad habits picked up from working in the market when she was younger, ended her seafood business after becoming vegetarian, and had reconciled with her sister. (Photo by Tan Sam Ba)
Shen Shui Xian (second from left) had little interest in learning and was not well-educated, nevertheless she overcame the difficulty of memorizing the sign language and lyrics for the “Dharma as Water” stage adaptation. (Photo by Lee Kwong Seng)
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