Through “The Profound Parental Love” study sessions, Chen Hui Yi (center) repents for the times where she did not speak gently to her parents, and even found her mother’s daily concern a waste of time. （Photo by Liao Ying Chun)
A child’s wrongdoings are countless. How many times have our young, innocent and immature selves hurt our parents’ feelings? And yet, we are still forgiven time and again. The study sessions of “The Profound Parental Love” musical took place on 21, 24, and 28 July 2014 and it was a great learning opportunity for 65 youths. Through volunteer facilitators and sharing from their seniors, they repented the many times they had unintentionally done their parents wrong.
The theme of the fifth round of book study session was: “The Erroneous Ways of a Child (子过),”, which, as the title suggests, is about the many mistakes we make as children. These mistakes can be both major and minor, from arguing and even physically harming one’s parents over monetary disputes to little things like feeling irritated at the concerned nagging from one’s parents. Our parents worry and care very much, but sometimes find it difficult to express these emotions, yet children always feel that they are the ones who are right, and more often than not do not pay enough attention to their words and actions that greatly impact on their parents’ feelings. When the younger generation leaves home in search of independence and their own lives, the older generation left at home cannot let go of the deep bond between them.
Once we have seen all that there is to see and turn to look behind, what is truly the most important? Is it standing triumphantly on the top of the world, or is it having your loved ones by your side? Is it having the most successful career, or is it a warm, comforting meal at home? As the saying goes, “a parent wants nothing but obedient children.” A volunteer facilitator earnestly shared his wisdom from a father’s perspective with the students. It is impossible to turn back time, so while we are all busying ourselves out in the world, we have to remember to be filial to our parents and always show our care towards them, for fear of being too late. In the blink of an eye, we ourselves could be parents, while our own parents might not even be with us in this world anymore.
Impermanence—Why Filial Piety Should Start Young
Chen Zhao Yun shared that when he was younger and had just gotten married, his company wanted to send him to Indonesia to work. For the sake of his career, he decided to bring his wife along to temporarily reside in Indonesia for two years. During those two years, he had never once taken the initiative to call back home, only returning home during the Chinese New Year. At that time, he still did not understand how a parent would feel – but when he became a father himself, he realized that what a parent really wants is to know how his child is doing. “We shouldn’t use the excuse that “even if I told you, you wouldn’t understand anyway” to avoid telling our parents what we are doing with our lives, but rather try to help them understand. Only then can our parents feel reassured enough to let us have our independence and venture into the big world beyond home. We can even take the initiative to do things with our parents, and allow them to fulfil their own wishes.”
Tzu Ching Li Yu Hui has the fortune of being able to see her parents every day, and thus often takes that for granted. The topic of parent-child relationships is inextricably linked with a parent’s expectations and nagging, and arguments are inevitable. “I used to think that my parents were just more stubborn, but now every time we disagree, I would first go along with my parents, before slowly trying to communicate better so that they would be able to understand my own perspective.”
Senior Xiao Hong Chang shared a story about himself and his brother. His brother had been disobedient since young, and had some friends who exerted a bad influence on him. He was always overbearing in attitude and the entire family was always slightly scared of him. When he was older, whenever he met with problems at work he would just flare up, and this made their father extremely concerned. “Your brother’s current situation is very bad, as a younger brother you should help him out in any way you can,” his father would say to him tearfully. Xiao remembers this scene very clearly, and from it we can understood that a parent’s first concern will always be for their children.
Tzu Ching Chen Shao Hong has deep insights into the topic of how time does not wait. His father was seldom at home due to his career, and he was often disciplined by his mother for being mischevious. “At that time I refused to listen and always gave my mother a rebellious look in reply.” Two years ago when his mother passed away and left his side forever, all that was left was longing and remorse. His sister Chen Hui Yi also repented for previously speaking in harsh tones to their mother. She said, “I’m the first child in the family to study overseas, after coming to Singapore my mother was often very concerned, and would call every day to remind me to take care of myself. However, I was busy with my studies and co-curricular activities and took her concern as a waste of time, even losing my temper over the phone once, only regretting my action after I had hung up the phone.” Yet, when she immediately called back to sincerely apologise to her mother, all her mother said was, “Silly child, is there anything to apologise for?”
Open Your Heart, Learn to Return the Love
“Who thinks that they’re already mature enough?” As the book study session started, facilitatorWu Xuan Yi asked a seemingly innocuous question that resulted in silence.
Unlike many happy families, Wu had an alcoholic father, and although her parents lived together, their relationship was not a harmonious one and they often argued. Faced with regular family disputes, the then eleven or twelve year-old Wu was helpless. “I’d rather be with some of the worst behaved students in school when the day was over than return home,” she said. A hatred for her home slowly grew within her, and she once blamed this discord at home on her mother, even saying hateful things to her mother, nearly resulting in her mother’s suicide. Afterwards, her father’s alcoholism worsened, and he would even get physical with her mother. Wu then tried to protect her mother, even calling the police, causing much tension in her home environment.
In the year 2005, her aunt Lim Chwee Lian helped her register for the Tzu Ching camp. The then-rebellious teenager Wu was very unwilling to attend, but conceded eventually and forced herself to participate in the camp. However, she still decided to disobey the rules and went in shorts. She was also very uncomfortable with addressing the parent facilitators assigned to her team as “Father” and “Mother.” She was just like a porcupine, unwilling to get close to those who were concerned about her. However, during a segment of the camp about “The Profound Parental Love,” she was extremely moved and cried her eyes out, and felt for the first time, the warmth of a hug from her accompanying team facilitator.
Wu slowly opened her heart, and even found her goal in life – psychology. “Through studying psychology I can understand why my own parents degenerated in the way that they did, and I can also do my best to search for a solution to the problem.” She once told herself as a 16 year old: “What kind of person do I want to become? I want to be someone who can protect my parents and my family.” Wu is extremely grateful for the family circumstances which she grew up in, because with her background, she understood them better and could thus help more people in need.
Upon studying the teachings in “The Profound Parental Love,” Tzu Chings understood its contents through the activities of reading, thinking and doing – and learned how to apply the teachings to their own lives. (Photo by Yu Zheng Hui)
After becoming a father himself volunteer Chen Zhao Yun realized that a parent does not want much except to know what his child is doing and whether he is well. We should try our best to help them know more about our lives, so that they would not worry about us so much. (Photo by Yu Zheng Hui)
Xiao Hong Chang shared a story about himself and his older brother; though his rebellious brother often hurt his parents’ feelings, they never gave up on him. (Photo by Ye Jin Xing)
Li Yu Hui (second from left) has the good fortune of seeing her parents every day but sometimes takes that for granted. However upon understanding the teachings of “The Profound Parental Love” text she now knows to communicate better with them, and employs better methods to help them understand her point of view. (Photo by Ye Jin Xing)
Wu Xuan Yi comes from a disharmonious family herself, and used to hate the conditions which she grew up in. However after a Tzu Ching camp her attitude changed for the better, and she went on to study psychology to understand how to improve familial relations. Upon graduation, she joined Tzu Chi in the hopes of helping others. (Photo by Zhou Zheng Hao)
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